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Plastic Surgery Query

Here is a letter I wrote to a plastic surgery last year, which didn't quite end up with the response I was hoping for...

Harley Medical Group
5 Castle Quay
Castle Boulevard

Dear Sir / Madam,

In just a few months my wife turns fifty years old. I'm sure you'll agree that this is quite a milestone, and as such I have decided to venture further than the usual make up and perfume gifts and surprise her with a real treat. I think the plan I've come up with is a pretty good one, however if your experience can provide any useful suggestions to make things even more special please do enlighten.

We have now been married for nearly twenty-two years and are a relatively happy couple. Mindy (my wife) has a great personality and, while no oil painting, she's never been particularly painful to look at. Just recently, however, she's begun to appear a bit 'rough around the edges', for want of a better term. Her Oil of Olay is apparently failing her and the inevitable wrinkles have begun to rear their ugly heads, along with some unsightly crows' feet around the eyes.

I've tried to approach this subject with her on several occasions in the hope she'll take the initiative and actually do something about it but she can be quite touchy about the whole thing and this usually ends up in an argument. She's always taken pride in her appearance and finances certainly aren't an issue, so the reason she so far hasn't opted for surgery is as yet unclear. She insists she doesn't need it but I'm sure deep down she's fully aware that she does. One of our friends recently went under the plastic knife (so to speak) and has never been happier, so I know once it's done and dusted it will do her the world of good. Also, as I'm sure you'll understand, at forty-two I'm a fair bit younger than Mindy and do not wish to be seen hanging around with an old lady!

As I'm sure you've by now gathered, I'd like to invest in some plastic surgery on behalf of my wife. This will consist of a full facelift and botox, where required. I've read good things about your company and have therefore selected yours as the clinic to carry out these procedures. The surgery will preferably be carried out on the night of the 26th October, my wife's birthday.

The current plan is as follows. I will tell my wife that as a special treat for her birthday we will be spending the weekend in Nottingham. We will travel on the Friday and I will book a table at a nice restaurant where we will spend the early part of the evening. We will then retire back to our hotel for an early night, in preparation for the 'big surprise' I have planned for the Saturday. I will ensure that our hotel is within short distance of your clinic.

While at the hotel I will make us both a hot drink. Hers will contain two of her sleeping tablets, double her usual dose (but still well within safe limits). Shortly after this, once she is in a deep slumber, I will transport her to your clinic, by car if necessary, in time for her pre-arranged appointment. I will have a borrowed wheelchair stashed in the car boot so getting her to and from the car shouldn't be too much of an issue. My wife is a very deep sleeper and should easily be out for long enough for you to work your magic, and in any case I'm sure your powerful sedatives will take over once she's at your disposal.

I'd therefore be very grateful if you could outline costings for the above procedures and also confirm your availability for the night of 26th October. If this is outside your usual operating hours I will be very happy to cover any additional costs incurred.

I'd also potentially be interested in having the breasts done - without meaning to be too crude, is it worth it at her age or would you say by now they're likely to be beyond repair? I can send you a photo if necessary.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards,

Ben Jameson

I didn't receive a response to this letter... well, at least not directly anyway. Instead I returned home from a week away to find a leaflet from the police with a case number on it, asking me to get in touch.

Apparently a shocked receptionist at the clinic had been very worried for my wife's safety and had contacted the police immediately to report my upcoming birthday gift.

Luckily the police saw the funny side and decided not to take things further :)

Click here to see more stupid letters

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